Yeah. And things just - happen and happen and it never really ends, just stops for a while, sometimes, and I've been trying really hard to focus on those moments where it stops, but it's - hard, right now.
[it won't always be as hard to focus on the good as it is in this exact moment and he knows that, but it's probably not a bad thing to just let this moment be absolutely terrible for just a bit, too.]
There's never any guarantee that there won't be a fourth or fifth, and even if that weren't the case, the worst stuff's happened back home, anyways.
[ god, does she understand that. it's so easy to let yourself get buried under the bad and not want to come back out again. if it hadn't been for strohl, well.
silence, for a moment. ]
We really should look into finding you some sort of immunity. [ a very gentle joke. she rubs his arm. ]
Sometimes that shit catches up to you. You don't have to look on the bright side of this, Rupert. In fact, I'm fucking amazed you still feel like being kind to people after everything that's happened to you. Not surprised. I know the kind of person you are, and it's not a shock.
[ a deep breath, and then: ]
I think - when I was dead. All I wanted was to not look at both sides. I didn't want to be fair about it. I just wanted to cry and scream and throw a fit about my world being shattered, and I wanted someone to tell me that was okay to do, without having to consider how the other person felt.
You can have a second to not both sides it. God, you can have more than a second.
[light joke for a light joke. he sniffles a little as he listens - not okay, still, but kind of settling easier into the fact that he really doesn't have to be.]
...It feels like - years ago, honestly, but back at the school? After the first trial, we had no idea what was happening, and I was so convinced it was a fluke. That it wouldn't happen again, even after the execution. And then like, the next day I got told it wasn't only happening again, it was specifically my job, and even after I went home, everything went wrong again? And I wanted to believe that if we just kept getting through one more thing, it'd finally be okay, overall. But it never was, and then I came to the hotel with the stupid doors and everything else, and as soon as I got home more stuff happened and I kind of just... I realized it's not realistic? To ever want it to stop, to want it to slow down.
[which is a very rambling way to get to]
It was stupid, and it was unrealistic, and even though that's true, I still miss the version of myself who thought things were going to be okay, just, indefinitely.
Yeah. Once you've gotten the shit kicked out of you enough, it's hard to not flinch at everything.
[ she thinks that over for a moment, absently rubbing his arm with her hand. ]
Maybe it's unrealistic for things to be perfect, man, but it's not stupid to want to be in a situation where you can just be okay. You don't have to feel bad for wanting to be safe.
[ it's a work in progress for her, trying to learn how to not feel massive amounts of guilt for having wants and needs. for wanting to be happy. ]
I know there's no going back that version of you, but it's not hopeless, for there to be a point where things go right, and then just keep going right. It isn't hopeless. And - you haven't seen me these past few weeks, so you don't know how... how much effort it is taking to say that, but I believe it.
I don't - mean to seem like I think nothing good is going to ever happen again, or even that there won't be pretty long periods of really nice things. That's not what I think. I just think that's there's never a point we get to where nothing bad ever happens again. [with a kind of awkward laugh, halfhearted:] Though I'd really love it if someday the bad wasn't as dramatic as it's been. Maybe at least that's attainable.
[finally kind of - taking a grounding breath, really looking at her.]
...Whatever happened while you were there - I'm really proud you got to that eventually. Especially if it was hard. [blinks away a few more tears.] I'm really glad you're back, too. I think I've told you that already, but - in case I didn't.
Honestly, yeah. I think that is. Attainable, I mean, having a time where it won't be as dramatic.
[ she wipes his tears for him one more time, and then slides her hands back down to rest on his arms. she's always been the kind of person that finds touch more grounding than anything else. ]
... Thanks. [ she says, softer. ] I wouldn't have, if Strohl hadn't been around. But I'm getting there, and - I'm glad to be back. I'm glad to be able to talk to you face to face again.
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no subject
Yeah. And things just - happen and happen and it never really ends, just stops for a while, sometimes, and I've been trying really hard to focus on those moments where it stops, but it's - hard, right now.
[it won't always be as hard to focus on the good as it is in this exact moment and he knows that, but it's probably not a bad thing to just let this moment be absolutely terrible for just a bit, too.]
There's never any guarantee that there won't be a fourth or fifth, and even if that weren't the case, the worst stuff's happened back home, anyways.
no subject
silence, for a moment. ]
We really should look into finding you some sort of immunity. [ a very gentle joke. she rubs his arm. ]
Sometimes that shit catches up to you. You don't have to look on the bright side of this, Rupert. In fact, I'm fucking amazed you still feel like being kind to people after everything that's happened to you. Not surprised. I know the kind of person you are, and it's not a shock.
[ a deep breath, and then: ]
I think - when I was dead. All I wanted was to not look at both sides. I didn't want to be fair about it. I just wanted to cry and scream and throw a fit about my world being shattered, and I wanted someone to tell me that was okay to do, without having to consider how the other person felt.
You can have a second to not both sides it. God, you can have more than a second.
no subject
[light joke for a light joke. he sniffles a little as he listens - not okay, still, but kind of settling easier into the fact that he really doesn't have to be.]
...It feels like - years ago, honestly, but back at the school? After the first trial, we had no idea what was happening, and I was so convinced it was a fluke. That it wouldn't happen again, even after the execution. And then like, the next day I got told it wasn't only happening again, it was specifically my job, and even after I went home, everything went wrong again? And I wanted to believe that if we just kept getting through one more thing, it'd finally be okay, overall. But it never was, and then I came to the hotel with the stupid doors and everything else, and as soon as I got home more stuff happened and I kind of just... I realized it's not realistic? To ever want it to stop, to want it to slow down.
[which is a very rambling way to get to]
It was stupid, and it was unrealistic, and even though that's true, I still miss the version of myself who thought things were going to be okay, just, indefinitely.
no subject
[ she thinks that over for a moment, absently rubbing his arm with her hand. ]
Maybe it's unrealistic for things to be perfect, man, but it's not stupid to want to be in a situation where you can just be okay. You don't have to feel bad for wanting to be safe.
[ it's a work in progress for her, trying to learn how to not feel massive amounts of guilt for having wants and needs. for wanting to be happy. ]
I know there's no going back that version of you, but it's not hopeless, for there to be a point where things go right, and then just keep going right. It isn't hopeless. And - you haven't seen me these past few weeks, so you don't know how... how much effort it is taking to say that, but I believe it.
no subject
[finally kind of - taking a grounding breath, really looking at her.]
...Whatever happened while you were there - I'm really proud you got to that eventually. Especially if it was hard. [blinks away a few more tears.] I'm really glad you're back, too. I think I've told you that already, but - in case I didn't.
no subject
[ she wipes his tears for him one more time, and then slides her hands back down to rest on his arms. she's always been the kind of person that finds touch more grounding than anything else. ]
... Thanks. [ she says, softer. ] I wouldn't have, if Strohl hadn't been around. But I'm getting there, and - I'm glad to be back. I'm glad to be able to talk to you face to face again.